


But I'm Not Gay

by Tamasha



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Experimentation, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Funny, Gay, Gay For You, Hand Jobs, Kissing, Love, M/M, Modern Era, One Shot, Relationship(s), Romance, Slice of Life, Sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 17:32:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6575797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamasha/pseuds/Tamasha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur is not gay. Really, he is not. So it’s okay if Merlin strokes him off, right? That’s still not gay. And if he is interested in returning the favor, that’s still not gay, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	But I'm Not Gay

**Author's Note:**

> written by Tamara

Well, they weren't drunk. They had been drinking, but they weren't quite drunk yet. Merlin hadn’t even entered his "I'm in love with everyone and everything I see" phase, so they were pretty good on the whole "not drunk" thing. And Arthur felt pretty good too. He was in the stage where everything felt a little wobbly, but he could focus if he wanted to. So what happened next was excusable... to an extent.

They were in Arthur’s room, talking about The Prestige on his bed. Merlin was going on his rant about how in the movie there was science, illusions, and real magic. He was going into a detailed description of the movie when it happened. He didn’t even bat an eye or pause his speech. It came so natural to Merlin that Arthur wondered for a moment if it actually was. But no, Merlin's hand in Arthur’s pants was definitely not a natural thing and definitely not something they had previously explored in their relationship.

"Um, Merlin?" But Merlin just kept talking about the movie. 

They both knew how very straight Arthur was, and both knew how very gay Merlin was. Being best friends for nearly six years meant that they had both heard way too many sex stories about the other that left very little to the imagination. Merlin also knew of the one single time in Arthur’s life that he even thought about being with a man; that was with Gwaine in Uni who would have slept with anyone. As soon as Gwaine had kissed Arthur, however, he felt wrongly out of place and decided to end things there.

"Merlin," Arthur repeated with a little more conviction. "I'm not gay..."

Merlin shut his mouth quickly and looked down at his hand. "That doesn’t belong there," he commented, looking at his hand.

He wasn’t quite squeezing it, just applying enough pressure for Arthur to know it was there and what it wanted. Merlin still hadn’t pulled away, though, and enough time had passed that Arthur's dick had taken an interest in Merlin’s hand. Sometimes Arthur really hated his dick. It had a mind of its own.

"No, it doesn't," Arthur said, shutting his eyes, willing himself to not go hard. But he was already half-hard, and there was no question as to whether Merlin knew or not. He did. He hand was right there, just feeling... everything. It sent an odd shiver through Arthur.

"You sure you don't want it there?" Merlin asked in his teasing sarcastic tone, but there was a very subtle bit of actual curiosity that might have gone unnoticed if Arthur wasn’t paying attention. But Arthur was paying attention.

Arthur's eyes shot open and he knew his answer needed to be: "Yes, I'm sure. You are my best friend and I am not gay and this is going to ruin our friendship and I am not interested in guys or you that way and no, this is not turning me on a little bit." That's what he needed to say, but he couldn’t say a thing.

Okay yes, Arthur’s dick was happy to have a foreign hand on it, but it would be happy if anything rubbed it. And Arthur had had a few drinks, so clearly he wasn’t in full control of it. Arthur truly had never thought of Merlin in that way before. Not really. He sometimes had moments when he just wanted to hug or cuddle Merlin, (and admittedly they did that kind of thing a bit more often than was typical for two male friends) but Arthur hadn't sexualized those feelings. He simply loved Merlin and wanted him close. He didn’t want to have sex with him.

But then again...

Arthur was still sitting there, in silence, and Merlin's hand was starting to move slowly. The fact that this had been uncharted territory for them made it exciting, and that excitement went right to Arthur’s dick. Also, the fact that Merlin was a man, and no man had ever touched Arthur in that way, made it feel like he was a bit dirty and rebellious in all the right kind of ways. Without a word, Merlin wrapped his fingers around Arthur’s length and smiled very slightly at Arthur. Arthur, in turn, moaned and leaned into it. He wasn’t going to lie: it felt really nice. So what if Merlin wanted to give him a hand job, and so what if Arthur accepted? They were close friends, and had been for a very long time. Something like this wouldn't ruin that. It was just an innocent hand job, so what difference would it make? Merlin clearly was willing, and Arthur couldn’t deny his own interest and curiosity.

"God, yes," Arthur panted. "Keep going."

Merlin shifted to get better access and Arthur helped by unbuttoning his jeans. Merlin definitely knew what he was doing. He had had a lot of experience touching another person's dick, and it showed spectacularly in his movements. Arthur had received countless hand jobs in the past, but always from a girl who didn't have a penis of her own and, even if she was good, could never quite understand how it felt to receive one.

Arthur leaned his head back and allowed himself to enjoy it as much as he could. He tried to think of a girl to move things along faster, but his mind kept coming back to Merlin. His black hair and adorably giant ears. His innocent smile and wobbly walk. Arthur believed that images of his best friend would have slowed the process, (since Arthur wasn’t gay) but for whatever reason it actually helped. Thinking of Merlin wanting this and being glad to get Arthur off was kind of hot in its own way, almost like the ultimate best friend favor.

Arthur let out a soft grunt and wasn’t quite sure if Merlin’s name had escaped his lips. Merlin must not have known for sure either because he looked a bit dopey and confused, as if he wasn’t convinced Arthur was really there. Arthur looked at his best friend - into those beautiful blue eyes - how had Arthur never noticed those eyes before? Merlin had slowed his pace a bit and was looking back with such a soft wanting look.

Arthur felt needed, and felt the love he knew Merlin had for him. Arthur had never thought that Merlin was into him, and maybe he still wasn’t, but Arthur couldn’t help but want to kiss his best friend. The whole thing was probably purely sexual for Merlin, and neither needed the romance to overcomplicate an already complicated situation. Still, Merlin was his friend, and Arthur trusted him; unlike Gwaine, Arthur really cared for Merlin in more ways than romantic ones. (Not that there were romantic feelings now, Arthur was just trying to make a good argument for kissing - you know what, forget it.) Arthur kissed Merlin.

Merlin didn’t react right away, he seemed shocked and almost hesitant at first, but then he started kissing back and Arthur felt a new wave of pleasure rush through him. It was not at all like kissing Gwaine. This time it felt right. Merlin felt right.

One of Arthur’s favorite things in the world was to be kissed while receiving a hand job. And just like the hand job itself, Merlin had perfected the art of kissing as well. Arthur went limp and fell backwards onto the bed, pulling Merlin over him. The weight of the other man on top of him made Arthur feel trapped, yet secure because it was Merlin.

It didn’t take long after the kissing began for Arthur to finish with a drawn out moan; that time he definitely did cry out Merlin’s name. Merlin pulled away, looking way too smug for his own good. Arthur wanted to kiss that smirk right off of him, but Merlin was already sitting up again. "Where are you going?" Arthur asked, a bit too earnestly.

Merlin chuckled. "Well, you finished, I thought that would be it. Wanna play Call of Duty?"

What? Was that it? A half-drunken hand job and now they would act like nothing happened? Arthur wondered what Merlin was thinking; he had to have some sort of motivation for getting Arthur off. He was probably expecting something like money in return. Merlin was always broke. No, Arthur knew his friend better than that; Merlin would never accept money willingly from anyone else, and certainly not in exchange for sexual favors. So what was going on?

"Do you want me to..." Arthur suddenly felt too embarrassed to finish the sentence. Merlin laughed, clearly knowing what Arthur had meant. His stupid smug look had returned and Arthur felt a little annoyed. "Oh shut up, Merlin. It's not that weird of a thing to ask, considering -"

"Arthur," Merlin had stopped laughing, but he still had a silly smile on his face. Why did that make Arthur’s heart stutter? "If you want to, I clearly wouldn’t mind."

"Um... okay. Well I've never..."

Merlin’s smile turned soft and caring. He took Arthur’s hand in his, catching Arthur’s gaze. "You can’t do it wrong, I promise. I'll enjoy it regardless."

Arthur swallowed down his reservations and decided he would just go for it. But just going for it felt wrong too. Why was this weird? It wasn't weird a moment ago when Merlin was in control. Merlin was so confident and sure, Arthur on the other hand was hesitant and shaky. He wasn’t used to feeling this way. "So I just..." God, it was so embarrassing.

"Are you okay?" Merlin looked concerned which was the sweetest thing in the moment. Arthur wanted those lips again. Badly.

Kissing made it easier for Arthur to get back into it, causing the weirdness fade away. Arthur soon found he quite enjoyed kissing Merlin. A lot. He liked the sounds Merlin made and the way his tongue pushed against his own almost as if it were trying to show Arthur who was in control. Arthur clutched Merlin’s shirt, wanting more contact; he needed them to be skin to skin. But instead, Merlin took Arthur’s hand and guided it between his legs.

Somehow Merlin's pants were around his knees; Arthur had been too caught up in the kiss to notice. They rolled over on the bed and Merlin was under Arthur suddenly, exposed and looking a bit deviant. Arthur pulled off Merlin's shirt, and couldn’t stop kissing Merlin. His hand just rest idly around Merlin’s cock; Merlin started to urge Arthur’s hand to move, but Arthur had a strange idea that somehow just made more sense than simply stroking Merlin to completion.

It was all mouths and kissing; Arthur found he wanted to kiss all of Merlin, everywhere. So that’s what he did. He started kissing down Merlin’s, body taking extra care of Merlin's nipples. Merlin seemed to be enjoying it, but then, as Arthur continued southward, Merlin sat up on his elbows and scowled a bit at Arthur. "Wait, what are you doing?"

"Oh." Arthur pulled himself off Merlin and sat back on his heels. "Sorry, I thought that you'd like that..."

Merlin ran a hand through his hair and fell backwards, nearly hitting his head on the railing at the foot of the bed. "What are we doing, Arthur?"

Arthur shrugged, surprised to find he was really disappointed with the direction things were now heading. "I don't know. Having fun? Drunken mistake? Friends with benefits? Our little secret? Take your pick. I'm fine with any."

Merlin was silent for a moment, then he brought his head up enough to look at Arthur. He had a look on his face that Arthur couldn’t read. "Well, I don’t think I like any of those options."

"What?" Arthur bellowed, a bit louder than he had intended.

Merlin stood up, pulling on his pants in one motion. "I'm not that drunk, Arthur. In fact I'm not drunk at all. And neither are you."

"So?" Arthur sat up and buttoned his jeans. "Merlin, I'm sorry that I tried to go down on you. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. Please don't leave."

Merlin sighed. "That's not it, Arthur. I... I wanted that, don't get me wrong, but I think that's the problem."

"The problem is that you'd enjoy having sex with me? That doesn't seem like a problem, Merlin. It sounds like something we both might like. So will you come back over here?"

Merlin grabbed his jacket from where it hung across Arthur’s desk and slipped his shirt back on. "Yeah, you're right. No problem at all. Great! It's so easy to fuck your gay friend because he's obviously willing and then have it mean nothing to you later just so you can get off!"

Arthur had never in his life heard Merlin yell. He had gotten upset on occasion, but this was different. Merlin was hurt, deeply hurt, and it was because of Arthur. Fuck. Arthur was a fucking idiot. Of course Merlin didn't want just a one time thing. Of course he didn’t want to forget it. Arthur should have known because that's not what Arthur wanted either.

Merlin huffed loudly and went for the door. Arthur scrambled after his best friend as quickly as he could manage. "Merlin, wait."

But Merlin continued down the hallway, ignoring Arthur. Arthur bolted for the door and somehow got there before Merlin was able to leave. He blocked the exit just in time. "Let me through," Merlin exclaimed.

Arthur held his ground as Merlin pushed against him uselessly. "Don't leave."

"Why?" Merlin spat.

"Because I love you." Wait. What?

Merlin’s mouth fell open and Arthur’s eyes bulged too. "You... What?"

Arthur took a deep breath. Yes, he did. He knew he did. No, it hadn't been sexual lust until now. No, it hadn't been romantic love at first. But he knew he cared deeply for Merlin and he couldn’t allow Merlin to be hurt or to leave like this. It was more than just that, though; Arthur wanted this. All of it. With Merlin. The sex, the cuddling, the arguing, the hand jobs, the hugs, the smiles, and the love. He wanted Merlin more than he wanted anything and it had only taken a hand job and some kissing to make him realize that. God, he had been such a - what did Merlin say - dollophead?

"You heard me, you idiot. Don't you dare assume that whatever that was, in there, meant nothing to me. You mean more to me than anyone else, so I will not let this come between us. Plus, I want to do that again. And again. I want to try new things with you; I want to hug you; I want to kiss you whenever possible; I want you to be my boyfriend; and I want you in my life forever. I'm an arse, and I'm straight, but I fucking adore you, Merlin. So shut up with your stupid pity party and kiss me, goddammit." Arthur breathed heavily, realizing he had hardly took a breath during that rant. "Please," he added, desperately.

Merlin shook his head and turned back towards the bedroom, removing his shirt as he went. "I really hate you, you know?"

Arthur took that as a good sign - sort of - and followed, dropping his pants. Merlin was in just his boxers when Arthur got back to the room. Arthur pulled his shirt off and stomped over to Merlin. He grabbed Merlin’s face and kissed it hard, possibly leaving a bruise. He was still confused and a bit hurt, but he needed Merlin to understand how much he wanted him.

Merlin took the kiss as a sort of competition and pushed Arthur to the bed. "You can’t be straight and enjoy this, you clotpole."

"Watch me." Arthur quirked an eyebrow then winked at Merlin.

Merlin kissed Arthur passionately, pushing him further into the bed, then he stopped to take a breath. "You are rubbish at being straight. Complete rubbish."

"Only for you, Merlin." Arthur hadn’t intended for that to come out so tender, but it did. He wanted to sound sarcastic, as if he didn't really mean it, but he had. Yet Merlin would have known that anyhow.

"You know, I love you too, right?" Merlin said, back to his sincere self. "I didn't think I'd ever be with you, so I never thought too much about it, but now... well now I know what I want."

Arthur sat up and cupped the back of Merlin’s head, ruffling his thick black hair. "Will you take me?"

Merlin’s eyes nearly fell out of his head in his shock. "Oh, I mean, yeah. Is that what you want?" Arthur nodded. "I just think if you take me it will be easier for you... I mean, that's closer to what you're used to anyway."

"Merlin, I want you inside me." The words sounded foreign and unrehearsed coming from his mouth and Arthur felt stupid all of the sudden.

Merlin smiled and kissed Arthur's forehead. "We will take it slow, okay?"

"Okay. We have all the time in the world."

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Stephen Lynch’s “If I were Gay”. This is just a funny fic I thought would be great told with Merlin and Arthur.


End file.
